Memo: This Fridge Will Be Cleaned on May 2nd

fridge will be cleanedTo: All Employees
Re: May 2nd refrigerator cleaning

If there is anything in this fridge that you do not want to lose, please remove it and take it home after work on May 1st. The fridge will be out of service from May 2nd thru May 4th for a thorough cleansing.

Check to make sure that some of these unlabeled condiments and leftover pizza slices are not yours. If any of the stack of frozen dinner boxes in the freezer belongs to you, claim them now, as they will be discarded on May 2nd to prepare for the rebinding ritual.

The Management understands that the few days of lost fridge time will be an inconvenience to some of you, but for those who cannot manage to do without out, the call-center on the fifth floor has agreed to allow us a small bit of their fridge space during the cleansing. Please do not abuse this kind offer.

We want to make especially sure than any wards and hex bags that may be stored in the drawers and bones of the captured demon from the wastes of the dimension of eternal frigidity are removed on or before May 1st, as these may interfere with the complicated ritual required to cleanse the creature of the vile stench which began after someone left an open cup’a’soup sitting in the back of the top shelf for at least three months as a cover for having, perhaps accidentally, smudged the arcane glyphs which keep the creature peacefully bound to our corporeal realm, and odor free.

Note that this is not intended as a recrimination of the person responsible. As far as we can tell, it was an honest mistake, but hopefully the noisy and visible death of three of your fellow employees at the whim of the unbound refrigerator will serve as a lesson in proper break-room etiquette, so that we do not have to make such rituals a regular occurrence.

Remember, we have no dedicated cleaning crew at this office, and, as the sign above the sink says, “Your mother does not work here.” We each must be responsible for our own messes, and to make sure than any unbound demons are reported immediately to management.

When May 2nd comes, any foodstuffs or mystical charms left within the fridge will be assumed unwanted, or belonging to employees which have since left the company or been devoured by an unspeakable unchained ice-horror. If anything is not thrown away or taken home, it will be lost as the refrigerator journeys through a chain-warded loop of the ethereal abyss, and returns rebound, refreshed, and smelling like lemons two days later.

Thank you for your timely attention to this matter,